Puppy Chronicles: 11:25PM June 3

--> -->

Four days ago, I did something I’ve always wanted to do. I got myself a dog. His name is Darwin, and he’s a 10 week-old Australian Shepherd. And he’s way cuter than your dog. Or even your baby.

Although I’ve always wanted a dog, until I bought my house last summer I was an apartment dweller, and generally I don’t think it’s fair to get a dog in an apartment. Unless you get one of those small types, and I don't even consider those to be "dogs." If it isn't a good deal bigger than a large cat, what you've got there isn’t a dog but instead is essentially a glorified guinea pig. Most likely a yippy annoying guinea pig.

So I did my research. Prepared by reading a puppy training book or two, checking info on the web, dog-sitting a friend’s pooch while he was out of the country on business. I wanted to be ready, or as ready as I could be, so me plus dog wouldn’t equal disaster.

But there’s one thing all the books and websites leave out about getting a puppy: when you get your new pup home, suddenly, from that point on and for the foreseeable future, your entire life, almost every waking moment, revolves around… pee.

Yes, all the info you read gives you the guidelines for housebreaking a new pup. They stress the importance of doing it properly, how to go about doing it, an expected timeframe for progress etc etc etc. What they don’t stress is how much pee is going to completely consume your life. It’s almost all I’ve thought about for the past 4 days.

Any time Darwin is out of sight, even for a moment, I think “Is he peeing on the floor?” When he runs across the room and stops I think “Oh crap he’s about to pee.” Even when I try to sneak away for a moment to pee myself, the whole time I’m thinking “I bet he’s out there peeing on the floor right now.”

The constant vigilance is exhausting. Having to watch him every moment, ready to run him outside if he is about to take a leak. But there's the problem - the books and online info says to look for certain behaviors indicating your pup is about to let loose on the floor - pacing, sniffing the ground, etc. Darwin doesn't waste time with that. He stops whatever else he is doing and, unceremoniously, just goes. So I've got to clap, get him to stop, get him outside to his spot, let him finish, "good boy" pet and treat him. Then back inside we go... to constantly watch him.

Even Batman gets to kick back and relax once and awhile if the Bat Signal isn't lighting the night sky over Gotham.

I'm just glad that I have hard wood floors because I have to admit there have been a few occasions when he started to go the floor and I just let him. Why? Because sometimes after a long day of constant pee-vigilance it's easier to clean up after him than to pick him up and take him outside and let him finish then come back inside. I also did that once because it was raining heavily out to avoid any possible wet dog smell. OK... to avoid getting wet myself.

It’s almost as if… wait a second. Where’s Darwin? Oh crap, I bet he’s peeing under the dining room table… I’ve got to go.