Day 7: The Golden Gate, 17 Miles and BING BING BING

Crossing the Golden Gate

Headed into San Francisco I got a proper California welcome by being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Made it in eventually, across the famous Golden Gate bridge (I got several views of the Bay Bridge also, and by all accounts it seems to be a more impressive structure. Shame it's such a boring not-worth-being-famous gray color), even got the chance to travel down the traditional SF street, meaning one that's steep and flattens out for cross streets. I was really only doing maybe 25, but I might have been imagining I was involved in a classic high speed chase, the kind that takes place in every show or move set in SF. Then it was a briefs stop in Firsherman's Wharf, a photo of Alcatraz Island (I was there last time I was here... in 1991). I wanted to do the cable car thing, but turned right instead of left when looking for them, then didn't have the time. Next time San Francisco, next time.

17 Miles

Then if was off to Monterrey (where I assume the Cheese was invented) to take in scenic 17-Mile Drive. *BING BING BING* (More on that later.) The drive twists and turns through the , past gold courses and very nice homes. With about 20 marked stops along the way, for particular views of this or that. Monterrey peninsula. SIghts such as Bird Rock (which was actualy covered by barking sea lions), the Lone Cypress and the Ghost Tree.

Where's My Bunny Suit?

17 Mile Drive also goes passes by the famous Pebble Beach gold course, which I used to rule on Tiger Woods. *BING BING BING* Unfortunately I didn't pack my bunny suit (those that have played the game know what I mean) so didn't play a round. I also don't play real golf (though I intend to start someday) and didn't have the $500 to spend I heard a round costs. Well, I have $500 but I wouldn't spend it on that. 

BING BING BING

While driving south out of San Francisco I started hearing a *BING BING BING* noise. Didn't notice it at first, thought it was part of a song on the radio. Then realized the battery warning light was on. Crap. I unplugged everything I had plugged in. Kept going off. I'd psyched myself up for the Big Sur drive even though the guidebook described it as "narrow and twisty, and sometimes full of slow moving RVs." I did NOT enjoy that kind of drive on Day 6, but figured I'd survived that. But what with the possible car trouble I bypassed Big Sur. I didn't want to get stuck out there, where cell phone service was reportedly spotty at best. So back into the 101, where I discovered...

WHERE SALAD COMES FROM

Being from Iowa I'm used to driving by farm fields. But back home, they're either corn, more corn, even more corn or once and awhile soybeans. Here I was driving by what appears to be fields of onions, lettuce and based on the smell at one point, broccoli. (And luckily the *BING BING BING* stopped. Did the car heal itself? Will it start up again on Day 8? Time will tell..)

Sunset at Pismo Beach

Got into Pismo Beach just in time to stop and watch the sunset. I wish I'd had my Jeep - they let you drive right onto the beach here. That would've been cool, but I didn't trust the Mustang on the sand. The only cars out there were of the truck and SUV variety. After sunset I pushed through to Santa Barbara so I'd have a shorter jaunt into LA in the morning.

Day 6: Lumberjacks, Giants and a LOT Of Swearing

I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK

The Somoa Cookhouse was fairly quiet on a Wednesday morning. The restaurant serves its meals lumberjack style, meaning long tables that seat 20 or so. And the menu itself couldn't have been simpler. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Literally. On the wall was written Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, with prices for kids and adults. That's it. Breakfast consists of eggs, sausage, pancakes and/or biscuits and gravy. I opted for just pancakes and sausage. No biscuits and gravy, I've thought they were gross. Delicious. It's an all-you-want kind of place, but one serving was enough for me - three big pancakes and 5 sausage links. All in all a great way to start the day. I was ready to chop some wood when I was done!

Getting Wood

Avenue of the Giants is the "old" Highway 101. The "new" Highway 101 is now 4 lanes, nice and wide and less winding through this area. It's a shame that most people by bypass this scenic alternate route. I dropped the top on the Mustang and drove at a leisurely pace through the Redwoods. Much closer than I'd have been on the newer freeway. Plus it's hard to appreciate the grandeur of anything when you're flying by at 65 miles an hour. I took it slow, stopped for a hike (and to see the remains of the Dyerville Giant which fell in 1991), pulled over often just to look, and all-in-all spent a couple hours among these magnificent trees. 

That's the base of the Dyerville Giant just above - a 17-foot diameter at its base. There were lots of felled Redwoods throughout the short hike I took. Others had been partially burned (from lightning strikes) and continued to live even semi-hollowed out.

Literal Log Cabin

The One Log House is one of those kitschy road-side attractions that make road trips like this one worth taking. It is literally a log cabin. One log. Singular. It once toured the country on the back of a flatbed truck but retired here long ago. Where it serves as a marketing gimmick to get people to buy coffee and souvenirs. 

FUCK SCENIC DRIVES!

South of the One Log House you can veer off of the 101 (the same highway I'd been on since Washington) for the start of Highway 1. Where the 101 turns in, the 1 hugs the coast. When planning my trip at home in the entirely cliff-free state of Iowa, that's what I decided to do, take the 1. That decision is one I soon came to regret. The next several hours were a stressful nightmare up steep climbs, steep drops, ridiculous twists and turns, with the roadway barely wide enough for two lanes of traffic with sheer drops of hundreds of feet down a cliff into the ocean on one side. Not a leisurely drive. I'm sure the views were nice, but I couldn't look. I had to focus. And I started getting cranky. On more than one occasion (probably 30 or 40 occasions) I glanced at the GPS to see the road ahead and said out loud "YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME." I started an inner monologue of near constant swearing, similar to the near constant swearing I think of when I mow the lawn. FUCK RVS. FUCK "SHARNG THE ROAD" WITH FUCKING IDIOT CYCLISTS ON THEIR FUCKING BIKES ON THIS FUCKING ROAD. FUCK FUCK FUCK. By the time I reached Bodega Bay (Where Hitchcock's The Birds was filmed!) I'd had enough. I cut back inland to the 101. Which at this point was 6 lanes. Six glorious, nearly straight lanes. I could'e kissed it.

In-N-Out Burger

For years I've heard people I know rave about In-N-Out Burgers. So I figured as long as I was on the west coast I'd try their burgers out for myself and see if they live up to the hype. Well... they don't. It was OK. Nothing compared to B-Bops back home. I'd rank it below Five Guys as well. There was too much lettuce and not enough meat. Needed more sauce too, tasted like bread and lettuce for most bites. Better than McDs I suppose. But at least now I know. 

Jack-In-the-Box was also better. I had them for the first time last night.

And I've been given a lead for another burger chain I may have to try tomorrow.

Day 5: Sea Lions, Redwoods and Bears (Oh My!)

"Must Go Faster"

Unfortunately, Prehistoric Gardens was opened yet when I arrived. By "arrived" I mean "pulled over to the side of road when I saw the big T-Rex next to the highway." I didn't want to wait almost two hours for it to open, but there were a couple dinosaurs visible from the parking lot. Maybe next time.

Ocean World

Another day, another aquarium attraction. Have I mentioned I have a thing for aquariums? Ocean World falls more on the cheesy side of things, but it was an entertaining way to spend 45 minutes. An entertaining harbor seal/sea lion show (Who knew harbor seals could do impressions?), I got to pick up a starfish and pet a shark.

There were also numerous resin statues of various sea creatures and pirates throughout Ocean World. Orcas, rays and sharks, plus Captain Morgan and a very slutty pirate. Tacky for sure. But in a good way. On a side note, I think The Slutty Pirate would be a good name for a bar.

No Fatties

Trees of Mystery is is a cheesy way to get up and close to the California Redwoods. You're greeted by a giant Paul Bunyan outside, with his trusty Babe beside him. Paul talks to passers by, his voice booming out across the parking lot. "Yes, you can touch my boot." Followed by "Oh yeah, that's the spot." So somebody's job is to talk for Paul Bunyan and converse with tourists. I chose my career poorly. Anyway, the tour involves a trekking up a trail to see various nicknamed Redwoods. Not a tough hike, but there should be a sign that says "No Old Fatties."

The admission to Trees of Mystery also includes a ride on the Sky Trail. Which is absolutely terrifying. But breathtaking views. Plus at the top I got a great cell signal strength so could post some pics to FB. The sky ride at the Fair can suck it. 

You Brought Your Baby... On a Jetboat 

There are certain things that if you do them, your children should be taken from you immediately. One of those things is taking a baby on a 2 hour Jetboat tour of the Klamuth River. Thankfully the crying bouts were few and short lived. Didn't distract from enjoying gorgeous scenery at all. You know what is cute as hell? A baby black bear playing in the river then scampering up a tree when it gets scared by a jetboat. Know what's fun? Doing a 360 degree turn in a jetboat.

And yes, that's a cow. A wild cow. Descended from a group of dairy cows that escaped from a dairy that was destroyed by a flood in 1964. 

Day 4: Cause I Know You Like Donuts & I Know You Like Cheese

Breathtaking/Nerve-wracking

The drive today was absolutely gorgeous at times. Breathtaking vistas. Unfortunately, unless I pulled over at the numerous "scenic views" (which I did quite a lot) I couldn't really take notice, because if I did I would likely have plunged to my death. Eventually I had to stop stopping for the scenic views because I didn't want to be driving Highway 101 at night. So just a quick glance to the right then back to concentrating on NOT plunging to my death. Remember that scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure when Pee Wee is driving and the road signs show increasingly twisted roads ahead? This was like that, only I don't think the Mustang's convertible top would save me in quite the same way as it did Pee Wee.

That Voodoo That You Do

It's become clear that Vacation Mike eats lots of carbs and sugar. So much so that he'll wait in a long line at Voodoo Doughnuts for a fix. Vacation is all about vices. Don't tell anyone but Vacation Mike even bought a pack of cigarettes. Bring on the hookers and crack! But back to the donuts for just a moment. Yes, that is bacon on a doughnut. And yes, that is a pentagram on a doughnut. Sugars and carbs, evil but delicious.

Say Cheese

People love cheese. And judging by how many people were at the Tillamook Dairy today, the entire population of the state of Oregon decided to show their love for cheese by gathering there today. The place is kind of like Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory but with cheese instead of candy and chocolate. Unfortunately for anyone wanting to see the factory in action (such as myself) the Oompa Loompas had the Labor Day holiday off. Things just haven't been the same since those little orange guys unionized.

Here's a shot of the parking lot madness. I just went in, got my lunch (strawberry-cheesecake ice cream in a waffle cone) then got the hell out of there.

Meet Larry

I love aquariums. And there are plenty of them along the coast. Makes sense. "Build it and they will come." Meaning the fish will come. Stopped at the Oregon Coast Aquarium and wandered around for a bit. I've decide the eel below is named Larry. Both of them.

Day 3: Mike's Head, An Alligator Man & Never Say Die

Mike's Head

Driving through the lush forests of Washington and Oregon the last couple days has been great. But fairly often I'd drive by a section where the forest had been completely razed, like an open scar on the side of the mountain. The hippie chick the lives in my head was deeply offended by this. "That's terrible! Raping Mother Earth like that!" Then the semi-pretentious glasses-wearing intellectual guy that also lives in my head pointed out "You like furniture don't you, chump? Where do you think we get it?"* And he was right. I like furniture.Without it we'd all just sit around on the floor.

*For those that missed it, this was a reference to Herman's Head. It is significant in that it is the first Herman's Head reference made on the entire internet since April 2007.

Half Man! Half Alligator!

Yesterday I visited the "quaint" touristy town of Port Townsend. Today I visited a different type of touristy town, the "tacky" variety. Both types are identified by a preponderance of shops. The difference is the type of shop. Quaint means jewelry stores, galleries, antiques and a candy shoppe. Tacky means T-Shirts stand, souvenirs made of seashells with googly eyes glued on and fudge shops (no "-pe" at the end). 

Long Beach, Washington definitely falls into the latter category. Don't get me wrong, tacky is great. Without it there'd be no such place as Marsh's Free Museum, home of Jake the Alligator Man (Half Man! Half Gator!). Really it's a gimmick to get people into a very crowded souvenir store, with oddities and antique game throughout to add some attraction. It reminded me of Fort Cody, the one place we somehow could get my father to stop on family trips to and from Denver. Now that I think back, I have no idea how we got him to stop... I think he was amused by the guy hanging over the entrance that had been shot in the ass with an arrow.

Maybe I Should Check Ancestry.com

My mother (whose maiden name is Clark) claims we are related to the Clark of Lewis & Clark. Says her aunt Katir told her that so it must be true. Me, I don't believe it. Maybe if it was Lewis & Milik (a far less common last name) I'd buy it as a possibility. But Clark? That would be like anyone with the last name Adams believing they were related to John Adams. Or anybody with the last name Jefferson thinking they were the heir apparent to a chain of east coast dry cleaning stores. Relative or not, I stopped by the Lewis & Clark National Park, commemorating the spot the two intrepid explorers arrived on the west coast in 1806, singing guide raccoon in tow. I might be confusing certain elements with Disney's Pocahontas... 

Never Say Die!

Few movies hold as special a place in the collective pop-cultural subconscious of my generation as does The Goonies. The ultimate kids finding adventure in their own backyard story.  And today, I got to see the house where the whole adventure began! Plus the the rocks One Eyed Willie's pirate ship sailed by at the end of the movie. Judging by the steady stream of people walking up the street and drive to the house perched high atop a hill in Astoria, Oregon the movie is still as popular now as it ever was. Not bad for a movie nearly 30 years old. Yes. Nearly 30 years old. That makes you old.