For most of the past week I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather. Nothing major. Fever. Headache. Mild nausea. I figured I had a cold, or a touch of some kind of flu. Maybe a minor sinus infection. Wasn’t too concerned about it. Figured I’d be fine in another few days.
Was told by some coworkers I should go see a doctor. I’m one of those people that reacts to suggestions like that with a “pfffffffft… what’s a DOCTOR going to do for me?” I don’t even have a doctor. Going to avoid getting one because I’m getting to that age where, as a male, I’ll need regular prostate exams. And I think we all know what THAT entails and I’m really not looking forward to that experience. Even if the doc was to buy me dinner first.
So Instead of actually seeking competent medical help I instead did something that nobody who is slightly ill should EVER do: I went to the Symptom Checker on WebMD for a little self-diagnosis. Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.
It seemed harmless at the time. Go to the web site. Type in my symptoms. WebMD tells me what I already know: I’ve got a head cold. Or some sort of minor flu. (Preferably one named after an animal - like Monkey Flu. That would be cool.) Maybe a minor sinus infection. Nothing that requires a doctor. Nothing that won’t take care of itself in a few days.
Symptom Checker starts with a 3D image of a rather creepy looking bald guy. You click on the guy where it hurts. I tried not to be too distracted by the figure’s Ken-doll-esque “smooth area” but it was difficult not to be. It made me flash back briefly to watching Beowulf a few weeks ago. For some reason, Beowulf had to fight the monster Grendel in the nude. I’m sure the reasoning behind this was explained but it hardly matters. Dane’s Gone Wild perhaps? But instead of being anatomically correct, Beowulf sported a similar “smooth area” during the fight. Completely distracted me (which was ok since the movie sucked). I’m not saying I wanted to see the Beowang flopping around during the fight, but WebMD is a medical site, right? We can be anatomically correct on our pictures can’t we? I mean what if I was having a problem… you know… “down there?”
Luckily (for this visit anyway) my problems were not “down there” related. I clicked the appropriate areas, clicked on my symptoms. Answered a few questions (had to decide if my headache was stabbing, throbbing or achy) and in moments I had my list of possible ailments. And on the list, just as I expected, were a couple flu viruses and sinus infections. The list also contained a few less likely possibilities.
Tick bite? Right, from all the time I’ve spent outdoors hiking and camping in the woods lately. My idea of the outdoors is the space between my apartment door and my car. Constipation? Without giving too many details, trust when I say everything in that milleu is fine. Just fine. Botulinum toxin (Botox injection)? Not likely since I’m perfectly happy with the current supple poutiness of my lips. Or is that collagen? Whichever, haven’t had any toxins injected into any part of my body for cosmetic reasons. Muscle strain? Doing what - lifting the TiVo remote?
Chronic kidney disease? Well that’s a bit more concerning. Cervical (neck) spondylosis? What the hell is THAT?! I didn’t even want to click on it and find out. Sounds horrible. Sounds DEADLY. Crap, what if that’s what I’ve got? Can you get that handling raw chicken if you don’t wash your hands well enough afterwards? THIS is why you should always eat out, to reduce the risk of contracting a deadly case of sponderloosis from handling raw chicken.
Brain aneurysm? Are you kidding me? I’m guessing this isn’t along the Eli Stone kind where you have cool visions of the future and your brain plays live musical numbers to keep you entertained. No, this is most likely more along the lines of “Is that toast I smell?” and *BANG* you’re dead. It isn’t fair - why does this have to happen to me?!?!
WebMD saved the best for last. Aseptic Meningitis. MENINGITIS! “Approximately 20% of the time, even with treatment, meningitis can be fatal.” That’s it. I’m doomed. Here I thought I had a slight case of the flu and instead, thanks to the internet, I know I’ve only got a short time left on this earth.
I’m still not going to go see a doctor. What’s a DOCTOR going to do for me? It’s already too late…
